‘People should smile more.’

And I labored in my thoughts, trying to find a way to make them smile more.

A random thought came to mind, one so fitting with my personality. One that practically just screams my name throughout it.

And I did it.

I really didn’t stop much to consider. I really didn’t need to. Out of so many letters I sent, even if only one recipient managed to smile, my labour would have been worth it. Even if that one smile only lasted a second, it would have been worth it. I dared not dream of bringing a smile to a gloomy heart; I dared not. I dare not hope that they appreciate what I did, I dared not. I just hope they smiled.

But I can’t just do this kinda stuff to anybody. It’s dangerous. I want to make them smile, but it’s a dangerous wish. So I’ll stop here, for now, until I see another opportunity.

People really should smile more.

I don’t, I really don’t.

My journey with images really started with videography. I had nothing to do photography except being forced along by the waves of expectations or the assumption of conveniences.

I first started with video-editing. Of course, considering the fact that I didn’t own a camera phone or any devices capable of shooting until I got a mini camcorder for my 14th birthday. I first started with editing anime/game MVs. Hilarious, but it’s true. I no longer keep stock of them, but I’m sure if I searched around youtube I should still be able to find some of my old works. I’m never gonna acknowledge them, though, since they were bad and it was an infringement of copyright to some extents.

I was never taught how to edit, and I was never taught how to shoot. I just got along, and what I did was tolerable but not good. Eventually the backlash arrived and I got so sick of videography that I would feel gloomy by just looking at the camcorder. Imagine the depression I had to go through every time I had to edit something, which somehow, was very common. I began to go through the motions – did last minute work, never put in much effort, just wanted to get them all done and over with. I had no motivation, and obviously, none of them were anything to be proud of, and I knew it. But people still asked me for video requests in all circles of my social life – do a clip for somebody’s mother’s 50th birthday, cover somebody’s birthday bash – I did two videos for my college class when I should be studying for A’s, etc etc. Stupid, stupid stuff, but I rarely said no. I liked being busy. I liked the pressure. I liked the gloom. It was escapism back them. Diving into a realm that I had recorded, piecing together somebody else’s story, while it was suffocating for me, it was better than the reality I had to face.

And then I got an opportunity to work with some professionals. I never wanted to do this as a profession, of course, but I always had the mindset that I didn’t need to go to school to learn something like design/editing. But I saw the difference. I saw the gap. I saw the bottleneck. But at the same time I saw how powerful this field is, and what true professionals can do for the kingdom of God. My plans took a 75 degree turn. I applied for design school.

And I made it in, somehow. It didn’t take long for me to forget why I entered in the first place. I allowed myself to be swept away by the buzz of University life, away in hall, away from home, away from all the mind-boggling issues that I would think about at home. And the backlash started.

The thing about design schools – just about 2/3 of them are hobbyist/freelance photographers/videographers. And the stuff they took was like so much better than mine. You could see how much they liked it. And through them I just saw how much I disliked it. There became no reason for me to pick up a camera in school. This was very different from my previous lifestyle. Previously, everywhere I went, I was the the cameraman, I was the best at it. Not anymore. It changed. And to some extent I was relieved.

Even till today.

I still work a lot with videos and photos. I still have to take a lot of them, sometimes for school, sometimes as jobs, sometimes as favors. And of course, for church. I don’t mind, but really only because it offers me a ticket out of having to participate in a lot of things. And it’s still funny how some people still pay for me to shoot. It’s a blessing, really. I should be ashamed of myself, but I’m not. Today photography and videography is a purely mercenary thing to me. I will make use of what little skills I have in them to the furthest extent in life. If I can use them to get a job, I would. If I can use them to convince others, I would. If I can use them to make somebody smile, I would. If I can use them to please God, I would. That’s kinda why I bought a DSLR set anyway. It’s actually investment, but you don’t need to know about that. A lot of people think I got them free – I’ve got friends who are willing to give me, I guess, it’s really not all that expensive, and come on, a photographer doesn’t need 3 back-up cameras! They were willing to lend me ‘for as long as I want’, they were willing to give them to me, but I paid for them. Way above the price I could have gotten for them, even, all the more because they were friends, and my pride disallowed me to take a discount. I’ve never ever said I got them free, but I allowed people to misunderstand. It really doesn’t matter what people think. And in a sense, I’ve already recouped all the money that I’ve spent on my equipment.

I probably can’t escape the clutches of photography and videography in the near future. I don’t mind. I don’t mind making a video for you, even for free – as long as you understand two points about me: I don’t like taking photos or shooting videos. I am not half as good in the craft as you think I am. As long as you understand that, I’ll help out for sure. Don’t ask me things about aperture shutter speed and editing. I don’t know what I don’t know, and what I know, I’d rather I don’t. I can teach you a few tricks here and there, but all the tricks under my sleeve are all survival techniques for me to continue to exist in the photo/video world, I’m not a pro, and I don’t ever expect to become a pro. Sure, my skills will improve as I go along. But at the end of the day, without that passion and a motivation, I don’t see myself ever taking your breath away.

It was good as a tool of escapism in the past. But as you grow older, you mature more, and attitudes change. Likewise, circumstances change. I no longer feel the urge to escape. I no longer dive into my editing desperately in an attempt to shut my mind out from things I cannot control. And as I grow older, I become clearer on the things I want to do in the future. As I grow older, the stronger my urge to draw a clean line and step away from photo-videography. The dislike still remains – while I can still remember how excited I used to be back then about this, I can no longer remember that particular feeling of excitement. On top of retaining the dislike, I’ve lost one of the most appealing reasons why I still do it – escapism.

But all these are just words of my heart. I don’t expect you to know this. To be honest, I don’t expect people to know that I do not enjoy the craft at all. How would you know, if I do not tell you? But I do expect my friends to know. That’s why there are so few people whom I truly regard as friends. They know without me having to tell them. How is that possible, you ask? I guess once you’ve tried having that kind of friends, you’ll never lower your benchmark for friends. That’s why I have few friends, I guess. I don’t reach that level with you, so I won’t expect you to reach that level with me. At the end of the day, I understand that much.

At the end of the day, I’m content with my lack of society. Things like photography still keep me busy. Things like videography still force me to retain a thread of social contact. At the end of the day, I’m content.

I looked back to some of the things I wrote two, three years ago and I’m embarrassed that I once was so confused, so lost, so gloomy, so bitter.

I’m not much better now, just a little bit brighter.

Circumstances have changed, relationships have changed. Expectations too, have changed.

These are all natural, and I am neither bitter nor glad.

I sincerely believe that whether life is good or bad depends not on my circumstances but on my attitude. – I was told this a lot of times back in the past, but the day I made the conscious decision to believe in this – the day I made the conscious decision to never stop living according to this principle, my life changed for the better, and I thank God for it.

My attitude on school has changed. My attitude on family has changed. My attitude on Christianity has changed. Three main changes in me, and these changes made me a rather different person.

I’m still struggling at times. It’s still hard to live in harmony with everybody. But I believe I’m on the right track.

And I’m very contented with life.

It took me 2 years to adapt to University life, to attain the current frame of mind I have. I’m no longer much stressed about school – sure, I will struggle during Crit week, I will face challenges, but I am at peace with myself already. I’ve still got half the race to run, but I’m satisfied. I’ve recalled why I entered this school.

And I feel God working in my life.

There were several dark years of my younger teens, and I don’t really want to remember them, I was a horrid person living off the blessings God gave and yet cursing God for not giving enough. And then there were a bunch of years when I thought so much more than I ought and got myself (and some other people around me as well) so confused. That was really unnecessary, wasteful and painful. Every other day was gloomy, every other thought was bitter. But still, perhaps that was the only way I could learn.

I think the signals are right.

It is time.

To be a spiritual giant.

God has blessed me and my family immensely. I say that, but I am aware that God’s harsh hand may fall upon us anyday. I can’t say I’m entirely ready, but until the major suffering comes, I will be preparing myself for it. I know not what will happen, and to be honest the only way I can prepare myself is to build on my faith today, so that when bad things happen, I can still worship God and praise His good name. It will be hard, I suppose. I pray today that in good or bad times I will not shame the name of God. I pray for faith, more faith.

Counting my blessings.
qi.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been made to wait for nothing, but this is classic. I’m now feeling a mix of disappointment and despair which was once so familiar to me.

He apologized a few times; I made it a point to not reply until I’ve calmed down. I’ve a bad habit of venting my frustration on others in deluded self-righteousness, I know it, and I will prevent it since I am aware of it. He knew I was at his void deck; but he did not know what an adventure I went through to reach here and am now stuck here, drenched, because of the rain. In my current mood I have no motivation to fight the rain, so I shall wait and contemplate as I wait for the rain to stop.

He offered to send the item to me to my place tomorrow. A good offer, but I’m already turned off and lost interest in the item or in dealing with him. I am cruel, but I am unwilling to give him a chance to make amends; I am unwilling to put myself in another similar circumstance.

If I cannot satisfy my anger; I must at least salvage my pride. If I cannot turn back time, I must at least protect myself for the future.

Yet this just feel so familiar that I cannot help feeling more devastation than anger. I let down my guard. For a long time I’ve avoided any situation in which there was a possibility of things like this happening. I let down my guard, and I will bear this consequence.

The rain has stopped. God is compassionate on me, having seen through all my weaknesses well before I did. To put my trust in God only; I think this will only become easier and easier.

The sky is looking brighter. I shall leave this place, I shall move on from here, I shall move on in life.

Heard an analogy in class a few days ago regarding a ship sailing in the sea. If the ship continues to float on the sea, it can sail. However, if water enters the ship through a hole somewhere, the ship will sink. We’re the ship, sailing in this world, a sea of sin. We can continue to move forward in godliness as long as we are free of sin, but if one day so much worldliness enters us, we shall sink.

School is starting, and I’m glad. It can only mean good things.

Keep your curiosity in check, and you’ll never yield to the curiosity of others.

I didn’t think that way until I was subject to some unnecessary gossiping at a relatively immature age. I wasn’t able to deal with it very well since I was young, and that led to a lot of wasted time. I’m not complaining though. I will pay back for lost time.

I’m a bit displeased, though, that a child, who ought to be extremely curious by nature, appeared disinterested at my amazing story.

Poor child, for having his curiosity robbed away from him at such an early age. Poor me, for being displeased over an insignificant matter and an insignificant child.

Che. Human nature is really hard to understand, huh. No matter how many times I measure myself, I always come up with reactions that do not exactly match my anticipations.

I really overestimate myself too much. No wonder there are so many times in my life when I was forced to be humble. God is trying to teach me, but I have been unable to learn much. I’ll get humble, though. A bit by a bit maybe, but I’ll kill that unnecessary pride, just as I killed that unnecessary curiosity.

che. annoying kid. Don’t grow up so soon, don’t mature so early. Innocence is one of the few things in life that, once lost, cannot be regained.

It’s not like I’ve never been told about how harmful it is to my body. I’ve even been sat down by people to listen about very factual lectures of the harm it would cause to my body.

I knew, but I persisted, at first because I was blindly intoxicated with the sensation of being busy – I enjoyed the sense of timelessness and busied myself with insignificant things, but later I saw it clearer, I was enlightened with a new perception of time, and I wanted to make up for lost time, so I persisted, wanting to rush as far ahead as possible while my young body can still absorb the strain.

Unfortunately, I am not young anymore to be doing such things so foolishly. I used to think I’d not live pass 30 due to my reckless lifestyle, but as I get closer to that age I begin to treasure life more. There are more things I want to do, there is more meaning in living on now. While I will submit my lifespan to God’s will, I no longer wish to deceive myself with foolishly thinking and hurt my own body.

Therefore, I shall commit.

I haven’t been drinking much root beer for the past couple of months, but during a normal school term it is rare to see me without a can of rootbeer around in school. My average would be around 5 cans a day. It keeps me awake during the most monotonous lectures, and serves as my fuel to burn me on.

School is starting again next week. It is with much hesitation, but I shall commit not to drink any rootbeer of all brands during my fifth school semester.

I can already see how futile this commitment can end up to be, because there are too many people who knows of my root obsession and would often just takeaway an extra can of mug for me even without me asking.

Even so, I shall commit.

I’ve liked rootbeers ever since I was very very young, and it’s a wonder sometimes how I don’t get sick of it. This short abstinence will make me like it more in the future, whether or not I return to my addiction.

Regardless, a commitment is a commitment. In my personal code of conduct, the greatest misdeed is to break a commitment, and if I ever break a commitment to myself, I will be the greatest hypocrite out there.

For the betterment of my Self, this shall be a test of my discipline. If I hadn’t overestimated myself, I should be able to get through this. If I had overestimated myself, and fail to keep this commitment, then I shall discipline myself severely.

…

It’s my first time at Goodman arts centre though, and while I’m embarrassed to admit it, I don’t think I’ve even heard of there being a stage here. I’m not new to the concept of blackboxes, and while I must admit I don’t really like blackboxes, this is really not a bad one. Not big, but boxes were never meant to be big.

I’m watching the little prince. My first experience of this story was too long ago, when there was a tv drama of something related to it. Over the years I’ve read and studied it so often that i’m quite familiar with it, and it’s one of those classics that you wished you understand the language so that you can read the original version, at least in its native language.

Looking at the props and the live band, I can imagine a number of ways they can interpret it.

Oh, it’s starting. Come, surprise me.