on photography

I don’t blame people when they assume that I enjoy photography.

I don’t, I really don’t.

My journey with images really started with videography. I had nothing to do photography except being forced along by the waves of expectations or the assumption of conveniences.

I first started with video-editing. Of course, considering the fact that I didn’t own a camera phone or any devices capable of shooting until I got a mini camcorder for my 14th birthday. I first started with editing anime/game MVs. Hilarious, but it’s true. I no longer keep stock of them, but I’m sure if I searched around youtube I should still be able to find some of my old works. I’m never gonna acknowledge them, though, since they were bad and it was an infringement of copyright to some extents.

I was never taught how to edit, and I was never taught how to shoot. I just got along, and what I did was tolerable but not good. Eventually the backlash arrived and I got so sick of videography that I would feel gloomy by just looking at the camcorder. Imagine the depression I had to go through every time I had to edit something, which somehow, was very common. I began to go through the motions – did last minute work, never put in much effort, just wanted to get them all done and over with. I had no motivation, and obviously, none of them were anything to be proud of, and I knew it. But people still asked me for video requests in all circles of my social life – do a clip for somebody’s mother’s 50th birthday, cover somebody’s birthday bash – I did two videos for my college class when I should be studying for A’s, etc etc. Stupid, stupid stuff, but I rarely said no. I liked being busy. I liked the pressure. I liked the gloom. It was escapism back them. Diving into a realm that I had recorded, piecing together somebody else’s story, while it was suffocating for me, it was better than the reality I had to face.

And then I got an opportunity to work with some professionals. I never wanted to do this as a profession, of course, but I always had the mindset that I didn’t need to go to school to learn something like design/editing. But I saw the difference. I saw the gap. I saw the bottleneck. But at the same time I saw how powerful this field is, and what true professionals can do for the kingdom of God. My plans took a 75 degree turn. I applied for design school.

And I made it in, somehow. It didn’t take long for me to forget why I entered in the first place. I allowed myself to be swept away by the buzz of University life, away in hall, away from home, away from all the mind-boggling issues that I would think about at home. And the backlash started.

The thing about design schools – just about 2/3 of them are hobbyist/freelance photographers/videographers. And the stuff they took was like so much better than mine. You could see how much they liked it. And through them I just saw how much I disliked it. There became no reason for me to pick up a camera in school. This was very different from my previous lifestyle. Previously, everywhere I went, I was the the cameraman, I was the best at it. Not anymore. It changed. And to some extent I was relieved.

Even till today.

I still work a lot with videos and photos. I still have to take a lot of them, sometimes for school, sometimes as jobs, sometimes as favors. And of course, for church. I don’t mind, but really only because it offers me a ticket out of having to participate in a lot of things. And it’s still funny how some people still pay for me to shoot. It’s a blessing, really. I should be ashamed of myself, but I’m not. Today photography and videography is a purely mercenary thing to me. I will make use of what little skills I have in them to the furthest extent in life. If I can use them to get a job, I would. If I can use them to convince others, I would. If I can use them to make somebody smile, I would. If I can use them to please God, I would. That’s kinda why I bought a DSLR set anyway. It’s actually investment, but you don’t need to know about that. A lot of people think I got them free – I’ve got friends who are willing to give me, I guess, it’s really not all that expensive, and come on, a photographer doesn’t need 3 back-up cameras! They were willing to lend me ‘for as long as I want’, they were willing to give them to me, but I paid for them. Way above the price I could have gotten for them, even, all the more because they were friends, and my pride disallowed me to take a discount. I’ve never ever said I got them free, but I allowed people to misunderstand. It really doesn’t matter what people think. And in a sense, I’ve already recouped all the money that I’ve spent on my equipment.

I probably can’t escape the clutches of photography and videography in the near future. I don’t mind. I don’t mind making a video for you, even for free – as long as you understand two points about me: I don’t like taking photos or shooting videos. I am not half as good in the craft as you think I am. As long as you understand that, I’ll help out for sure. Don’t ask me things about aperture shutter speed and editing. I don’t know what I don’t know, and what I know, I’d rather I don’t. I can teach you a few tricks here and there, but all the tricks under my sleeve are all survival techniques for me to continue to exist in the photo/video world, I’m not a pro, and I don’t ever expect to become a pro. Sure, my skills will improve as I go along. But at the end of the day, without that passion and a motivation, I don’t see myself ever taking your breath away.

It was good as a tool of escapism in the past. But as you grow older, you mature more, and attitudes change. Likewise, circumstances change. I no longer feel the urge to escape. I no longer dive into my editing desperately in an attempt to shut my mind out from things I cannot control. And as I grow older, I become clearer on the things I want to do in the future. As I grow older, the stronger my urge to draw a clean line and step away from photo-videography. The dislike still remains – while I can still remember how excited I used to be back then about this, I can no longer remember that particular feeling of excitement. On top of retaining the dislike, I’ve lost one of the most appealing reasons why I still do it – escapism.

But all these are just words of my heart. I don’t expect you to know this. To be honest, I don’t expect people to know that I do not enjoy the craft at all. How would you know, if I do not tell you? But I do expect my friends to know. That’s why there are so few people whom I truly regard as friends. They know without me having to tell them. How is that possible, you ask? I guess once you’ve tried having that kind of friends, you’ll never lower your benchmark for friends. That’s why I have few friends, I guess. I don’t reach that level with you, so I won’t expect you to reach that level with me. At the end of the day, I understand that much.

At the end of the day, I’m content with my lack of society. Things like photography still keep me busy. Things like videography still force me to retain a thread of social contact. At the end of the day, I’m content.

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