I’m in the mood for contemplation
September 29, 2011
Having agreed to pick up an item from somebody at his void deck 8.30 this morning; I am not entirely pleased to have ran through the rain, got drenched, arrived on time, only to get pangsehed. The person was not at home.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been made to wait for nothing, but this is classic. I’m now feeling a mix of disappointment and despair which was once so familiar to me.
He apologized a few times; I made it a point to not reply until I’ve calmed down. I’ve a bad habit of venting my frustration on others in deluded self-righteousness, I know it, and I will prevent it since I am aware of it. He knew I was at his void deck; but he did not know what an adventure I went through to reach here and am now stuck here, drenched, because of the rain. In my current mood I have no motivation to fight the rain, so I shall wait and contemplate as I wait for the rain to stop.
He offered to send the item to me to my place tomorrow. A good offer, but I’m already turned off and lost interest in the item or in dealing with him. I am cruel, but I am unwilling to give him a chance to make amends; I am unwilling to put myself in another similar circumstance.
If I cannot satisfy my anger; I must at least salvage my pride. If I cannot turn back time, I must at least protect myself for the future.
Yet this just feel so familiar that I cannot help feeling more devastation than anger. I let down my guard. For a long time I’ve avoided any situation in which there was a possibility of things like this happening. I let down my guard, and I will bear this consequence.
The rain has stopped. God is compassionate on me, having seen through all my weaknesses well before I did. To put my trust in God only; I think this will only become easier and easier.
The sky is looking brighter. I shall leave this place, I shall move on from here, I shall move on in life.
